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I recently came to a revelation in my own life: I’ve been crossing the threshold of my home expecting to get into it with my wife. And although I have no tool of measurement to gauge how often this was occurring, I can say it was happening a lot. I was fearing aka expecting aka having faith in a negative outcome. I realized that this kind of behavior is what happens when you start treating your spouse as your enemy. I knew immediately that something had to change.
In this article:
Does any of this sound sadly familiar?
Reality: We design and live our lives based on our expectations and beliefs, both positive and negative.
I consider myself to be a pretty positive person. I work on it daily. Many of us who strive to be positive believe that from the time we wake up our day will be blessed. We start off the day by giving thanks and praise for all that we have. Then, we often wrap up our affirmations with a declaration that no one and nothing is going to steal our joy.
It is biblical to have faith that no weapon formed against you will prosper, but it is 100% human to condition your mind to believe that people are out to take from you.
For all your positive energy, you remain on edge because you expect the worst from others. This sometimes includes your spouse. Inadvertently you create the very situations you are trying to avoid by expecting and then reflecting them. If you go into every situation believing your spouse can do no right, he or she never will in your eyes, even when they do. Your spouse is then doomed to be in the box you have designed for them.
To get over this hump I had to think back to when I first met my wife. Back then I referred to her as “my electricity.” I would run to the phone when I knew she was calling. When we were meeting up to go on a date I anticipated nothing but good times. Even if our time together was less than originally desired, I didn’t hold it against her. I just looked forward to our next time together.
From here I decided to stop, cold turkey, anticipating friction and conflict when coming home to or meeting up with my wife. I removed from my mind the subtle but very-present ideas that she’s “out to get me” and “won’t be satisfied no matter what I do.” First, I stopped the thoughts when they began to bubble up. I then countered them with some very simple affirmations:
Notice the shift in focus from her to me. Immediately, that lifted the pressure off of me. Amazingly, our interactions began to change for the better.
Right now you might be thinking that your spouse’s actions contribute greatly to your feelings about him or her. There is no denying that our husbands and wives have the ability to impact our lives for better or worse. But when it comes to your thinking, where should your focus be? Do you truly think you know what your spouse will do in any and all situations?
Or, should you be thinking of your spouse as your spouse? This is the person you pledged your vows to and who lit your fire. Your spouse means so much that they have the top spot in your heart. It might not happen right away, but you’ll definitely get a different set of results when you stop expecting the worst. This includes expecting the best and anticipating the worst. You must begin giving your spouse the clean slate you both deserve. I say both because you’ll also be presenting a more positive you for your spouse to interact with.
BMWK: Have you ever caught yourself thinking about your spouse worse than you would an enemy?
Editor’s Note – This post was originally published on August 5, 2011, and has been updated for quality and relevancy.
Named a Top 50 Dad Blogger in 2011 by Cision Media & awarded Top 50 Dad Blog in 2011 and 2012 by Babble.com, Eric writes about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between on his blog MakesMeWannaHoller.com. He speaks around the country about social media and blogging. He is the author of "DAD: As Easy As A, B, C!" and is a regular on CNN's Headline News station and the Jennifer Keitt show on KISS 104.1 FM Atlanta.
I think once we get married we forget we have to put in work. People like to think it is all roses everyday, but it isn’t and you have to put in what you want out of it. You do have to take time to reflect back on what made the two of you spark and work to rekindle that daily.
You can’t treat your spouse like an enemy, there is no winning for either person. My husband and I have been married for 9 years and we are still learning about each other. Communication is so important, not just the talking but listening also.
I must Say most married women do talk about the problems with our husbands in our homes with our so called friends I hear what u saying but I think every sistuation is different. Some of the marriages are so far gone it seem as though there is no going back I wish it was that easy i have prayed cried tried to work things out but it takes 2 & it seem as though there is a brick wall. No 1 reason I haved tried so hard & stayed is because I want to do God will & not my own will. Where do i go from here when i have done all I can do & things are no better? where is the point when u just walk away?
The brick wall is there because you trying to hard,relax and go with the flow…Let your partner talk to you sometime,you listening for a while…meanwhile talk direct about the situation be firm don’t linger…now! think about what really need to be work on in y’all marriage and correct it…It’s not about what he/she want,it’s the bond of the relationship in y’all marriage that y’all felt from the beginning…Give him/her space to figure out what they want in y’all marriage before you decide to walk away, even see a marriage counsel…I strictly believe everyone marriage for love…if not…
There is no point to just walk away from the marriage ! It is a covenant with God first. We need to realize that how we are treating our spouse, is how we are treating God’s son or daughter! Would we put up with someone nagging, baggering or yelling at our own children ? NOPE! God doesn’t like it either! We need to pray for our own hearts to change and then pray for our spouse’s heart too. God knows all of our deep desires! There is no walking away…in our relationship with Him nor in our relationship with our spouses!
Ladies,If you treat your spouse as a enemy.What do you expect in return? Everybody want to be love,and everybody want love in return…that the bottom line…if you can’t take it,don’t dish it…It’s as not listening as much,as the constant nagging,that some ladies do on a regular that a men stop focus on y’all conversation…Now if the shoe was on the other foot,how would y’all deal with the situation ladies…I can amazing y’all talking behind your spouse back to y’all girlfriend about what y’all want allow…okay, then treat your men the way you want him to treat you with respect and love…If a situation come up between you and your spouse,just open your mouth and talk without the attitude…just maybe you get his attention to focus on you,to get y’all marriage back to happy…
I Love it! Keep up the good work. God is pleased! Benjamin and Alisha WalkerAlways engaging and so on point. The thing that works for our relationship has been consistency. Although we have our moments of disagreements, we are also considerate of what’s most important – each other. Seventeen years later and he still opens the door, we still go on dates at any given moment we get up and go out to dinner, jump on the motorcycle and go for a ride, catch a concert, talk about our needs, goals and desires, we cheer each other on and are very supportive of the needs of our family. It’s all about our attitude about each other. When we got married, my husband told me – divorce is not an option. That said a lot to me and the way he values our relationship shows that he means it and so do I…..
My h usband and I have been married for almost 15 years but it feels like 5 most of the time. We have 6 beautiful children and we are happy. One of the first things we did was go to the word and found out what God had to say about our roles in our marriage b/c divorce isn’t an option for us. I think that encompassed with keeping the lines of communication open no matter what has made a difference. But marriage can not be corrected or connected if only 1 person is interested it takes the willingness of 2.
I really love to see a married couple still making it together being in love for many years it’s truly a blessing.
The second question you asked, that’s me. I want to talk, but I know he’s not going to get it / not going to work on it like I want him to. So I keep it inside and end up resenting him for not changing. I asked him to read the 5 Love Languages, Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married, and Marriage Matters so that we can discuss them and get on the same page. Me changing my mind, sadly, isn’t going to change his behavior. I’m hoping that the reading and discussion does change things.
If you have to treat your spouse like a enemy for any reason…check yourself …what wrong?…Why y’all let it build up to that boiling point of pointing your finger or rolling your head…You must speak up about any situation that you dislike that goes on in your marriage or y’all household …From the beginning…noone is perfect…when you’re talking to your spouse he’s listening,if he’s not responding back to you…he’s thinking of a way to put his words,cause if not said the way you want to heard it..there we go taking it to another level…then there your spouse go back into his shell…Ladies,You need to stop and be your spouse friend,wife,and lover on a regular,and then you want have time for all that negative rage…Then again,if you’re afraid to talk to your spouse or you really believe he’s not listening seek help,cause just maybe your marriage is in trouble…I’m just saying…
The points you hit in this article are some of the very reasons which motivated me and my husband to coach inner city families on family communication. As a partner in the relationship it is important that we research the origin of our unhealthy patterns that we bring to the relationship so that we can identify the triggers to ensure that our mates don’t become the victim. Your website is AWSOME! http://www.stepfamilyguru.com
Wow! Is all I can say! Awesome article! I’m gonna share and use this in my own life. Very nice!WOW! Yes this does sound familiar! How many times have I avoided going straight home after work or sitting in the driveway dreading going in the house!Thankfully things are better now,but I still can use your experience/advice to hopefully improve our relationship even more!Thank you for sharing this.
